Friday, December 30, 2011

Before the beginning

Our story is not fully ours
Bits and pieces don't belong to us
Perhaps that book I read a year ago
 And you picked up
Perhaps the love song
 We crooned as children
Before adult love set in
Half stuck in adolescense
 Half innocence
 And the silent encounter
 Of two lives
Which entwine and grow
 But before this
 Much before
When it was the beginning
 If we could scale down to a beginning
When we didn't have a clue
When I was trying to outrun my shadow
And you were chasing a ghost
In the beginning
 Perhaps in poems
 Perhaps in songs
Or whispers of names and rumours
 Of other lives
 I am sure I marked you
 Perhaps in my dreams
 And maybe you featured
 In random thoughts of sleepless nights
 Which I didn't remember 
When morning ensued
And we went on with our lives
With other heartaches and headaches.
Biding time, designing our lives.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Yes and No

Yes and No
The time it took place.
 You would say 5.42
 You are sure.
 I argue.
 It was 6.17
It had to be.
Like you would say
 It was Beer
 I would hold my stand
 It was Champagne
You would calculate
 It lasted five songs
 But it felt like
 It ended before it even began
No, No I know it felt
Like an eternity
An eternity of  infinite immensity
Of pure dream.
You said it was me
 I said it was you.
 Yes and No.


Love is impatient, it hates to wait

Love is to be done in leisure
There is no place for it
 In times of adversity
 Or grave danger
 Nor in times of humiliation
When the world around you crumbles
 But it just feels warm now
Thinking of you
 I am certain love is
 Impatient, it hates to wait
 For chance and the like
 Or for the hands of fate.
It takes its own course
 In early mornings,
 In darkness and in Erebus
 Love remains and it keeps me warm.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I experiment

I experiment
Being a wide-eyed stranger
A cruel lover
An honorable enemy
A friend till death do us part
I pass on
 I live
When some faces whizz pass
I try to muster my humanity,
 Between what I was born with
 And what the glare of infamy
Took away from me.
And try to suppress my scientific heart
 I live punctuated with
Abject fear and shame
 I wear a scar of war
On my collar bone
 Like a badge of misfortune.
 I don't think much of people
They claim they love one thing
 Toy it for a while
 As long as it is fashionable
 And pick up blondes, brunettes, redheads
 According to the season
 It's autumn now-
Notice the redheads on their arms.
 Men move on to blondes next season.
I am drawn into this web
 Like everybody else
Experimenting with different stories.



Home reminds me of you

Home reminds me of you
You still linger in these vacant rooms
Like burning incense
To the shrine of Sanamahi
 It reminds me of the girl
 Who spent sleepless nights
 Thinking of you,
 Tracing you, your scar
 Loving you, your mouth
 That girl is now no more
Perhaps just a remnant
Perhaps the silent scar of torrid love.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Wasting my Gift

In diabolical dreams
Ancient worlds
They come to me
 Prophesizing demise and death
And I know I brought upon myself
And I feel the burden settle upon me
Hang on my soul
The burden of the guilt
Of having clear eyes
Of seeing the wrongs and letting it take place
 And not lifting a finger,
Wasting my gift.

Your silent revenge

You haunt me more
As a stranger now
Than when you were a dear friend
You baffle me
 You infuriate me
And all these seem a part of your plan
Your awful retribution
 Your silent revenge.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It is Time to Let Go

It’s been six years
 It’s time to let go
 To erase your voice
 That has drawn me
 Like the firefly to a lamp.
 I work at it, I do.
 All night I sit up
 Remembering you
 One last time.
 The green-blue veins
 Of your knuckles
 When you strum that instrument
 Or that smile, not quite a smile
 But a paradox,
 That gaze that seemed
 To look right into my soul
 And as I grew up,
 I had to run away,
 tried to avoid that gaze
 Afraid you could read my thoughts
 I stiffen up in your presence
 I put on an act
 To perhaps show that I am indifferent
 Because I don’t want
 To give away my secret
But the gifts are packed
 And parting just a month away
 And I accept
 That it’s time to let go

How to tell the heart sorry


How to tell the heart sorry
For storing years of sorrow?
 How to tell the people I left behind
That I did not get over them?
How to tell winter to be gentle
And the night not to fall too soon?
 So that the strolls can continue,
 So that love can occupy more space.
Or how to ask time what should I keep,
 And what to discard amongst
Love and friends
And new love and new friends?
How to offer peace
 To the terrible optimism of youth
 That drove us blind?
How to appease the blinding anger,
The stab of being let go so easily?
 Or how to face the terrible roads
Burdened with dust of drudgery
And the years of mechanical meanderings?
How to live to the brim?
I asked you once, all those years ago,
 All the eighteen years of our existence
Has come to nothing now?
 What we had built up all these years?
 To what end?
And how to know if this is
Indeed the end?


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I think about you still

I still think about you
 Even though my heart no longer aches
 I think about you
In the silence of the night
 In the stillness of the drowsy Sunday
I think about
 The walks we never took
 The stories I never told you,
 The morning dreams I forgot to tell
 Mostly about the moments
 We never shared
 We wished we shared
 Perhaps that could have prevented
 Us from falling apart
 And I review it every midnight
 I stay up counting the hours,
 Like counting gold coins
 Slowly, deliberately,
 My life’s follies
 And that you are one of them
 I still can’t quit my follies
And I think about you still

Friday, November 4, 2011

What we have

What we have
 Is furious at times
Lashing like waves
 Breaking on tormented rocks
An attempt to conquer or surrender
 Or perhaps both at the same time.
At times
 It is silent like spring
While my hands lie on yours
And i am not quite sure
What you and I are thinking of
Perhaps we speed from one thought to another
 One idea to another.
At times
 I am just hungry for your love
 Hungry for your kisses
Yearing for a similar fire that burns in my soul
Perhaps a fitting tribute to the best in us
At times
I just ask for a friend
 For lost childhood playmates
Who are no more
And buried in sandcastles I never made.
Perhaps a revisit to sepia-tinged mellow sunshine
While holding your hands.
At times
 We just walk on and on
 Nowhere and everywhere
 Curious, eager, eager to learn
 To see, to ask, to feel
 God knows what
But surely, surely something
 That is waiting for us to discover.
At times
We just sit and blow wisps of smoke
And collect memories and label them
 And even open old ones
Giftwrapped  it seems.
At times
 I just like watching you
In solitude
Perhaps far removed from you.
At times
 In my arrogance or  perhaps innocence
 I think the Gods envy us
Immortality is all very well
But mortality’s intensity is unmatched.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Some dreams die a slow death

Some dreams die
 A slow death
Trampled on by insistent feet
 Of life and living
Choked out by weed
 And a brambles of alternatives
 And those neon lights
 Flicker in your mind
 You can never quite put them out.
Don’t look at me so scornfully
What do you even know of dreams?

My Generation was to fling it all away

My generation was to fling it all away
 Pick it up from our homes,
 Collect it from our classrooms,
Every filth there was,
 We were to burn it up
Leave no trace
Light a fire
Mark the mistakes
 The previous generations made
They invented the nuclear bomb,didn’t they?
They watched as Japan erupted in flames
They couldn’t stop Vietnam
Their silence bought by statistics
 Or just plain indifference.
I judged them,
 Like any child would,
 Judged them harshly some might say
So sure that we wouldn’t go their way
 So sure that we would have some sense
 If not sense, than a bit of good blood
 Running in our veins
That money alone
 Wouldn’t steer our life
That we wouldn’t do drugs
 Just because everyone else did
Wouldn’t pick up fights
 Just because it was cool
That just because we had it good
 Doesn’t mean we stop working hard
 Because talent alone can’t get you far
 I thought we would say no to war
That we wouldn’t let little girls get raped
 At least agitate, disagree
 Do our part.
 Not squander away our lives
 In front of television and computer screens
Perhaps speak a few kind words
 To the old man who sits alone in the park
Not stand aside when the bully hits a child
Not let someone be unfairly punished
Not let communal riots
Take deep root in our hearts.
Or am I asking too much?


Sunday, June 5, 2011

June in Manipur


June descends
Like a blanket of stars,
 Unassuming, unnoticed,
June in Manipur
 Means trouble,
 Those who live in the valley
 Know so well.
 June comes and the guns are loaded again
One wonders
 If it’s the blurry heat
 That ignites the blood of men.
One wonders
 If the sticky air
Some strange reaction in our brain
 Makes us less humane,
 More terrible,
One wonders if
 Children will ever go back to school again
If they will ever earn friendship
Like we did in our days
One wonders if
The end will come
 To this illogical hatred,
 Where men are killed each day
 And bombs explode in public places
And bullets showers instead of rain
One wonders if
 The lights will come all night,
 And people can sing and dance at night
 And young blood can attend thabal chongba
 Without worrying parents lying sleepless
 That a stray bullet might be their child’s fate
One wonders if
 People can mind themselves,
 Not spit on the roads,
 Not use a gun to settle fights
 And the boys, yes, boys not men
 In khaki uniform and
 Their cold metallic toy
Found lined up in every street
 Will pick up a book instead.
Once June comes
 The false calm crumbles
And people are but savages again
 Ready to annihilate, destroy, ravage
Will this June be any different?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

OR SO I LET MYSELF BELIEVE


There is no time
 We live in infinity
We seek in each other
The things we lost
Childhood playmates,
 Lime green dreams.
Our lips seek each other
Like two halves of a broken walnut
I seek in your embrace immortality
And the prick of life, the evidence of the living
I seek in your eyes
 The faded being
 That withdrew from my life-hope
And in the noisy silence
Of the howling winds
 As tempest tossed ashore
I cling to you as though your soul were mine
In your touch I seek another world,
 Of what hollow-eyed prisoners call freedom
Do you think I am tumbling
 Myself into an uncertain fate?
Into spiraling decadence?
We don’t ask nor answer the questions
 Youth shields us from logic
We don’t harbor thoughts of forever
We know,
 We lie on our backs,
On our cold spines
 We stare at the ceiling,
At the shadows of our naked souls
I came to find in you redemption
The traveling star that never stops
The lilting music that was long gone
In your mouth I seek
 The taste of what the heavens call
 A mortal’s warmth.
We lie in a tangle of limbs
You will soon get up and go
When morning comes,
 Infinity is but deceit
 You have your dreams to fulfill
 I have the world to save
 Or so I let myself believe.


Saturday, April 30, 2011

I THINK OF ALL THE LIGHTS THAT I HAVE PUT OUT


I think of all the lights
 That I have put out,
 All the dreams that I have
 Blown to smithereens.
 I want
 More than the world
 Can afford to offer me,
 I want blue skies,
 I want to lie and count
 The stars at night.
 They tell me
 I cannot have that,
 I must live in fortresses
 And palaces
 Built of the best
 Marbles and steel,
Marks of civilization
 That I must conform to.
 It’s as though fear
 Drives my land
And each one spies
 On the other
 And cruel tongues wag
 And whisper behind closed windows.
 I have bled in order to change
 And all those who love me
 They are a part of the conspiracy
 And I am torn
 Between loyalty and truth.
 Great changes
 Demand even greater sacrifices
 And even truth can’t
 Make better the loss.
So even under
The immense cloud of forgetting
I still think
 Of all the lights that I have put out.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I carry with me



I carry with me
 Ghosts of friends
 I feel their presence
 In the whispers of tall trees
 And the fading daylight
 When I follow the broken trail
Of the brook and
My childhood memories
Sometimes I think
 I have conjured them up
 Out of things that never were
 Because people change
 I don’t know if
 You are still the one
 I couldn’t live without
 Or live with.
 But you speak when I am silent
You speak when tears flood my eyes
 And when the wind changes its course
 You speak, you taunt, you laugh
 Your laughter rings in my ears.
 These ghost have been to me
Great companions
 In times of great loss
 And pain that pricked my soul
 And even though many days have passed
 And many summers and winters might pass
I would still wish you were here.

Monday, April 18, 2011

CHOKING OUT FLAMES OF LOVE


In silent symphony,
You waved goodbye.
In silent tears,
I send my love.
Silence brims in my life;
Brimming, spilling over
Till it is no more silence
Till it becomes melancholy
Till it disturbs you
In far another land
In far another shore,
Walking in the sand
You will carve my name
 And the land you left behind.
And you think it is tragic,
I don’t
I think of it
 As betrayal.
You couldn’t bear
The burden of love,
Of my love or yours
 And the land we call home.
You never believed
In your own love,
 You thought it would fade,
 Die perhaps,
 Be put out
Like choking out flames.
 Silence chokes me
 I hope our broken love
 Chokes you now.

Friday, April 8, 2011

We play our games

We play
Our games
We hide
Our love
In follies, in dreams,
 In things that go amiss
You roll the dice
I shuffle the cards
And we think
Of the hurt and the pain
And we restrain
Half in love
Always half in ove
Wishing we would be full in love
For the half of it
Keeps the game on
Long after our eyes have closed
Long after the half has been made full.