Epilogue to a Goodbye

When I dream about you
I wake up reaching out for you
And then a torrent of tears
In the bathroom while brushing my teeth
When I can't find you
so much of my time alone consists of
Crying that you are lost
You are interspersed in most of my waking thoughts
You are smiling and walking through
My dreaming thoughts
With the mark of familiarity only you possess, the specificity of you
That I am unable to stop loving
I have reconciled with the fact
That I will be carrying that gaping hole
In my heart, in my life
For a long long time
Thank you so much for the hug.
I have been craving it for a long time.

Don't say anything more.
The last thing you wrote was beautiful.
That was kind and I need kindness
Every now and then.
Let me return to it
To remind myself that I was so lucky
To be once loved so much by you.

Hey you
Hey you beautiful wonderful you
Hey you who gave me so much
Hey you who took my words away,
I haven't dared to write since
Hey you the lost-and-the-never-found you
Hey you the stranger you
You don't have to apologise.

Goodbye, my darling.
Goodbye you.

I am finding it difficult to form coherent sentences without words like "tears" and "misery" and "love" punctuating it. Dangerous, yes. Still the heartache. The stillness of it. The way it rears it head so unobtrusively. Tugging ever so constantly. So many things I wish I could have done differently. I probably didn't tell you I loved you enough. I should have.

And I wonder if I should post this. We are supposed to not look back and construct what-ifs. I just hope I can find a semblance of peace someday. I miss you. I don't deserve it to say it though.

You make me smile too
and cry, yeah mostly cry though
I have never come across anyone who can make me cry
 like a bawling newborn baby the way you do
Though I am smiling despite the tears
I am smiling because you are.
I believe that is called
Tileological, atleast that's what we studied
In Political Thought today,
When the ending is known by the beginning
 Or maybe I have got the meaning all skewed up
While applying it in this context.

My cousin was watching Wall-E on TV when I looked up from my book. I watched it for a while and realised it's too hard to watch it now, it brings up happy memories which I can no longer bear, it brings up images of you laughing and excited to share it with me. I hope you are far happier than I could ever make you.

Because it feels so good to know
that you are doing so well
And I am so proud of you from so far away.
Thank you for letting me know.