Out of nowhere

Sometimes while watching a movie
And out of nowhere
Out of the blue of the night
I miss you
I thought it wouldn't come back again
This tightening of the chest
The burning the plummeting the longing
The past coming back in waves
Some with more intensity than others
Was it in another lifetime I used to come walking to your place on early misty mornings,
So full of love I thought I would burst into flames.

Walking in CP
In search of a Marlboro advance
Many cities away from you
I am reminded of the city in which you lie enclosed
Even those days when I spent discovering it on my own
Initially overwhelmed by the newness of it, the strangeness, the surging never - ending crowd like waves after waves
And then stumbling upon the joy of travelling alone
I felt my fear and apprehension slipping away
And the gripping realisation that I would be alright
We manage we will survive
I wonder if this is how you felt in your first days

And that I can do anything, go anywhere , be on my own,
That I am stronger and smarter than I  thought myself capable
And then the delight of seeing you at the end of every day
Always a bit pensive
Sometimes so animated
Other times so wary and hurt
Over connections and disconnections
Over so much and so little
The audacity of our lives
Intertwining once again
Just for a little while
And disbelieving,
The intimacy of being enclosed in your  house
The familiarity of your old clothes
Of your old bones
A dream I remember with a little ache.

Hey you,
Bad internet, yes.
Liked your posts from Papa's phone.
Wrote so much but couldn't get myself to post them.
Too sentimental, I think later.
Too much everything.

I love it when you blab though.
I spent 20th a wreck, crying myself to sleep,
You still have that hold over me,
Even after all this time,
After so many sobbing goodbyes.

It's lovely to be back home though
I haven't seen everyone in so long
I spent the last 12 days reading.
I haven't read so much in so long.
I wish I knew how these people write so staggeringly well.
Makes me want to weep at the beauty of it.

I hope you get a chance to wear the jacket.
Even I am looking forward to a nice drink and a smoke
Once I get back to Delhi.
Climbed the same old hill I used to climb.
I feel so ancient somehow.

It's always always always lovely hearing from you.
Even if it means a torrent of feelings come  rushing back.
Not just feelings though, much more than that.
People go.
But people also stay back in those who loved them,
 Still love them. Always.
Have a great year ahead you. You deserve so so much.