Birthdays are strange days

Birthdays are strange days
It's stranger how
You will never be same person I knew
With each passing year.
You will grow up without me,          
You will experience the world sans me by your side
Which breaks my heart a little bit
I can't help it, it does
But whatever we had, I still have
The years, our shimmering youth
And maybe I will learn to let you go without always wanting to stake a claim in your heart , in your life,
Always wishing for a bit of you.
The usual- tears and cigarettes
It's almost hilarious in its tragedy. 

Out of nowhere

Sometimes while watching a movie
And out of nowhere
Out of the blue of the night
I miss you
I thought it wouldn't come back again
This tightening of the chest
The burning the plummeting the longing
The past coming back in waves
Some with more intensity than others
Was it in another lifetime I used to come walking to your place on early misty mornings,
So full of love I thought I would burst into flames.

Walking in CP
In search of a Marlboro advance
Many cities away from you
I am reminded of the city in which you lie enclosed
Even those days when I spent discovering it on my own
Initially overwhelmed by the newness of it, the strangeness, the surging never - ending crowd like waves after waves
And then stumbling upon the joy of travelling alone
I felt my fear and apprehension slipping away
And the gripping realisation that I would be alright
We manage we will survive
I wonder if this is how you felt in your first days

And that I can do anything, go anywhere , be on my own,
That I am stronger and smarter than I  thought myself capable
And then the delight of seeing you at the end of every day
Always a bit pensive
Sometimes so animated
Other times so wary and hurt
Over connections and disconnections
Over so much and so little
The audacity of our lives
Intertwining once again
Just for a little while
And disbelieving,
The intimacy of being enclosed in your  house
The familiarity of your old clothes
Of your old bones
A dream I remember with a little ache.

Hey you,
Bad internet, yes.
Liked your posts from Papa's phone.
Wrote so much but couldn't get myself to post them.
Too sentimental, I think later.
Too much everything.

I love it when you blab though.
I spent 20th a wreck, crying myself to sleep,
You still have that hold over me,
Even after all this time,
After so many sobbing goodbyes.

It's lovely to be back home though
I haven't seen everyone in so long
I spent the last 12 days reading.
I haven't read so much in so long.
I wish I knew how these people write so staggeringly well.
Makes me want to weep at the beauty of it.

I hope you get a chance to wear the jacket.
Even I am looking forward to a nice drink and a smoke
Once I get back to Delhi.
Climbed the same old hill I used to climb.
I feel so ancient somehow.

It's always always always lovely hearing from you.
Even if it means a torrent of feelings come  rushing back.
Not just feelings though, much more than that.
People go.
But people also stay back in those who loved them,
 Still love them. Always.
Have a great year ahead you. You deserve so so much.
 

We have always had our hearts
broken by cities
You and I
Places which hold our dreams
Our secrets our promises
It has a hold over us
I can see it in the gleam of your eyes        
 In your slow intake of breath
Always remembering you in cities
Cities which has memories of you
Because I whisper  your name
Trailing all that is left of you in me
We imprint our mortal names
On the edge of these towns        
Its sidewalks littered  with our drunkenness
Places we love at first sight          
Other places that grow on us        
Remembered cities forgotten towns
We map them all in our palms
To be read like a horoscope
We have always had our heart
 broken by cities
As though cities were lovers

Words that came to me last night
Disappeared when I woke up today
But words are just words
Unable to encapsulate so many things I want to tell you
Or just the 'do you remember this?'
When I see something we once saw together
You told me about the wormhole explained it the exact same way to me the way they do in the movie
I can almost imagine how you would have seen the movie
Sometimes I imagine you imagining me
this profound sense of well being has settled over me ever since I met you again
You made everything okay again
Just by smiling like that
Just by giving me that hug
Because we are lovers of cities
And we both know what they do to you
You know how they break your heart
This is all incoherently structured
Images that don't connect
But regardless what I really wanted to say is perhaps just another way of saying I am already dreaming of your city
To see you again in your world .

You worry I can tell
About what I don't quite know
Maybe the 'nothingness' has reverberated in my mind
I can still feel your sad heart beating
This far away
You of the easy smile, you of the dark tremors in your eyes
You break my worthless heart into pieces every day        
If nothingness is what your desire
In any what way, then I hope that is what you get.