Because you are so beautiful          
Standing there like the boy I saw you
On Kundu ' s birthday so many years ago
And I had been torturing myself in anticipation over seeing you again
Five months.
That's the longest you have been
Away in three years.
And I couldn't hold my tears back
In the beginning.
Just having you in front of me
Was so overwhelming
And to hear the familiar voice again
The passion  with which you talk  about the things you love
To have you. Right here.
And to know amidst my interval of latent tears and laughter that I love you. Simply. I love you even from far away. As I already told you that I stalk you and I see that you are doing well and maybe happy too and I feel a warm pride in knowing that.
It's as though you are still mine in some ways
So embedded I no longer know what is yours and what is mine
And I am looking over the things I wrote and never posted
Because I was afraid to tell you how much I missed you and how many dreams you appeared in
And I am laughing( and crying too of course)because it's absurd to worry so much
 Because there is so much to be grateful for
That you exist, that you thrive and you laugh and you still make me smile.

I am sitting in class
And out of nowhere I am tearing up
Reading what you wrote
a day doesn't pass by when I don't think of you
My parents are in Delhi
Mum asked me if I am still with you
It pains to hear her ask about you
I am torn between wanting to see you again
But I won't know what to say
I won't know how to be a friend.
 If we would be able to  start at hello
Without putting too much meaning to hello which it can't hold
if we can spend an hour lightly and cheerfully                              
Then yes call me.
(On 22nd or after because I will be with my parents till then )

It's 1 am
you are swaying to a manipuri song
People around you are dancing
Strangers, enveloped in well being
A beautiful short haired girl smokes beside you
You don't feel the need to know these people
Though you feel a mild curiosity
You find mutual friends sure
But you don't feel the urge to talk
Atleast not much
You don't smoke
but the sharp scent of smoke evokes a hazy picture of past days
Of three dreamy years spent smoking and laughing
Gone of course            
Gone gone with the wind
You mutter under your breath      
You want to dance all of a sudden
Wear your highest heels
And twirl and unfurl your life away    
Like running , letting air fill up your lungs
You welcome exhaustion like an old friend
Who sings you to sleep.
You want to wake up enveloped in October sunlight and a sense of well being 

I dreamt I had a nosebleed last night
It reminded me of all the years I grew up waiting for it to stop            
Weak, vulnerable, betrayed by my own body
I sometimes see you walk by in half formed dreams
You don't know me anymore
But you still make me cry            
Even on my birthday just when I thought I had passed 32 days of not crying when I think of you
I lie awake at 1 wondering what you must be up to
I wonder if you still stay up all night watching movies
Anyway I am wiping my tears now
I don't want to be sad anymore
I guess I am probably saying this more
To myself than to you
How can I ever thank you enough
For all the warmest memories you have given me
Each one a gift to pick up for
Each passing birthday
I wish to talk to you one day
But not now, not yet
I am not strong enough
Thank you for the birthday wishes
It meant the world to me.

It's strange how days go by
Then weeks and months and years
Holding on to disappearing things
Not completely letting go. One person.
A million dreams. The exuberance at 17 which you can't replicate at 21. Never would you feel the same way again. You wait for the magnanimity of growing older. Hoping it will suit you better. Youth is as ill fitting as an awkwardly tailored coat picked up from the flea market. On birthdays you remember the people you were with on all your previous birthdays and how every birthday you find yourself bereaved of so many people; it sends you weeping. And then there are old lost friends who reappear. Don't go yet, you want to tell them, Stay.